We have constant complaints about all sorts of aspects of our lives. We voice these complaints to those around us, or to ourselves in our thoughts. It seems as though we gain nothing from this—except a bad feeling. But the opposite is true. Complaining has a hidden benefit: it allows us to avoid responsibilities we’d rather not take on.
Perhaps you have a lingering grievance against your partner. It could be that your partner expects a lot from you and doesn’t take your professional goals into account. Time and again, this situation causes frustration. Or maybe you have an ongoing health issue. You don’t have time to exercise, which is causing back pain and slowly adding pounds. But then again, what do you expect? You’re incredibly busy, especially these days. Too busy to exercise or pay attention to your diet.
Everyone takes advantage of hidden benefits
“Being too busy” is a classic example of a recurring excuse used as a shield to avoid taking on other responsibilities. In such moments, you use being busy as an excuse to avoid taking responsibility for things like your health, or for your relationship with your partner or other family members. That’s neither good nor bad; it’s simply how people are wired.
So at one point, as a young adult, I said to my parents: “Mom, Dad, I always make time for you, but I don’t feel like going on yet another family weekend. I’m not really part of that anymore.” Back then, that was considered taboo. I was raised with the idea that you always make time for your family. So it took a lot of effort to say those words. It would have been so much easier to say, “I can’t make it; I already have plans.”
Whether or not you recognize yourself in this description doesn’t matter. Everyone has persistent issues that come with hidden benefits. Maybe for you, it’s not about a lack of time, but something else.
If we're right,
we can stay the same
The rest will just have to adapt
As human beings, we are naturally inclined to seek comfort. A hidden benefit often lies in maintaining that comfort and wanting to be right. After all, if we’re not right, it means we have to change our perspective on a situation and adjust our behavior. And adjusting our behavior is usually not very comfortable.
If we’re right, we can stay the same. It’s up to the other person or our circumstances to change, so we don’t have to take any action ourselves. We place the power to determine our fate outside ourselves. So if you’re simply too busy with work, you don’t have to exercise or eat healthily. Or if you don’t have the money for new investments, you don’t have to find ways to generate more profit.
Think about a complaint you have about your business. For example: as soon as my employees get the chance, they leave for another job. If you run an organization with high turnover, this thought will easily come to mind. This line of thinking blames the employees who leave. They lack commitment; they just walk out the door. In any case, it’s not your fault or your organization’s fault.
Time, freedom, and control over your life
Essentially, persistent complaints are a way to avoid taking responsibility. You don’t have to take ownership of the situation or adapt to it. Although this certainly doesn’t make things better for you, it does offer the comfort of not having to change.
Complaining about something prevents you from seeing it as a possibility anymore. You shirk the responsibility of seizing the opportunities that are right in front of you. The upside is that you avoid responsibility and uncomfortable tasks, but it also comes at a cost. It costs you time, freedom, and control over your life.
What if all the persistent complaints you have were just a lie? I’m not saying that’s actually the case. Only you know that. This is simply an invitation to consider that complaining might be a smokescreen for responsibilities you haven’t been willing to take on until now.
In practice
- Try making a list of all your own persistent symptoms. These are issues that keep coming back and just won’t go away. Something you complain about once or twice doesn’t count.
- For each complaint, write down what the hidden benefit might be.
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