A little thought experiment: how many conversations are taking place right now?
Let me tell you, there’s a good chance you’re wrong. Let’s start with the most obvious: the man and the woman are having a conversation. Maybe they’re talking about their ambitions, interests, or something funny that happened to her at work recently. While they’re talking about this, they’re also having a conversation with themselves. For example, the man thinks: what a beautiful woman. I think it’s going well; I saw her laugh at my story. Maybe I have a chance with her. The woman is having a completely different conversation with herself. She thinks: this guy is totally not my type. He’s bragging about himself the whole time and isn’t asking me anything at all. Is it rude if I go home now?
Everyone has an inner dialogue—including your partner, your employees, and your children
That’s already three conversations happening at the same time. But there’s one more: the conversation you’re having with yourself about the couple. Even if you don’t say anything about what you’re seeing, you’re still having a conversation in your head. Maybe you’re thinking back to the first date you had with your partner. Actually, that evening was a little awkward, too. Or you might think: what a loser, how can he not realize she’s not interested in him? Whatever that conversation is, it’s impossible for you not to be having it.
Internal dialogue (noun; masculine; plural: internal dialogues)
- The inner conversations you have with yourself at any moment of the day.
- The inner conversations that other people have with themselves at any given moment.
Our “inner dialogue” is always going on, all day long. It’s like a movie on endless repeat or a Spotify playlist with no end. At every moment of the day, we’re having a conversation with ourselves. About what we experience, what we feel, about the future or, conversely, the past. Even now. Even now, you’re having a conversation with yourself about what you’re reading. You’re wondering: what does this have to do with running a business? Or maybe you’re thinking: hey, this is interesting; I hadn’t looked at it that way before.
Or your mind is completely elsewhere. Sometimes we read words without really taking in what we’re actually reading. Or we hear words without really taking in what we’re actually hearing. Simply because we’re so caught up in our inner dialogue. And that’s okay.
What you tell yourself influences your behavior
But what are you supposed to do with all those conversations? The answer is simple: nothing at all. It’s very important to remember: there’s nothing wrong with all those conversations. Your inner dialogue isn’t right or wrong. You don’t need to try to change it, ignore it, or stop it. It’s simply what the brain does. The power here lies in observation. So start observing yourself: just notice what you say to yourself throughout the day. What are those conversations like? Do you say empowering things, or do you say discouraging things? Does the conversation help you, or does it make you anxious? Does the conversation have a positive influence on your relationships, or does it not?
Everyone has an inner dialogue—including your partner, your employees, and your children. Every healthy, living person has hidden conversations with themselves that determine which actions are taken and which are not. It influences both thoughts and the behavior that stems from those thoughts.
Overriding the Internal Dialogue
Suppose an employee is told that he is expected at your office tomorrow at 3:00 p.m. Between now and 3:00 p.m. tomorrow, his internal dialogue may kick in. He has been following the news lately, so he knows that many companies are currently laying off staff. This leads him to think: I just hope I don’t lose my job.
Then he starts to panic, and his mind races through every possible reason why he’s being called in. “Please don’t let this mean I’m losing my job,” he thinks. It’s the next day, 3:00 p.m., and you’re sitting across from him. Thoughts are racing through his head, but you don’t notice a thing. If you then just start talking about a missed deadline, chances are he won’t even hear what you’re saying, because his internal dialogue is completely drowning out your conversation.
Learning to Observe
To be a radically effective leader, you must be able to observe what is going on inside people. You must be able to truly listen to them and be fully present. Communication is much more than just having a conversation. Powerful communication means hearing what is said—and what is left unsaid. It means seeing what is shared—and what is not shared.
Communication means being able to put yourself in the other person’s shoes and understand where they’re coming from. You can set aside your own thoughts and stories and be truly present, so you can hear what the other person is saying. Truly powerful communication is like moving through the world as a ninja. People don’t see exactly what you’re doing, but you seem to understand them like no one has before. You seem to be able to see inside their heads. Sometimes it even seems as if you know them better than they know themselves.
True communication is so much more than just listening with your ears and speaking with your mouth. Becoming a master of communication starts with acknowledging and recognizing that you, too, have an internal dialogue. And that this dialogue significantly influences and shapes your life, relationships, and communication.